Archive for December, 2008
Posted on December 16, 2008 - by JoelKlettke
It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas
The author of this post Joel Klettke has been involved in a number of Calgary music projects including playing guitar for You Are A Weapon. He is currently finishing his business degree at the University of Calgary.
Every year it arrives but once, thrust forward by Jack Frost’s icy fingers. Mothers of all ages will participate in the winter ritual of learning to body-check other shoppers mercilessly in their quest for toys to appease snot-nosed little tyrants. Dads will risk hernia and frostbite shoveling their driveways clean to avoid negligence lawsuits. Winter fires will be fueled for hours using nothing but Wal-Mart flyers, which seem to arrive with disturbingly high frequency. Cars will slide around as though on a skating rink.
Joel Klettke
Now before you call me a scrooge, let me say plainly that I truly love the Christmas season. It’s a time for family, baked goods, stuffed dead birds, the smell of pine in your living room and so much more. I like nothing better than to throw on some slippers, lay back in an easy chair and sip an eggnog in front of a Wal-Mart donated fire.
But there is one part of Christmas I truly, absolutely, unequivocally despise.
Christmas music.
A full month before the holiday is upon us, your radio will sandblast your eardrums with an endless tidal wave of “Fa La La La La’s”. It becomes impossible to enter a mall without hearing some poor sucker crooning “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” over the top-notch Zeller’s sound system, interrupted by the occasional “Body bag to aisle three, body bag to aisle three – we’ve got a stage 4 body-check victim. Body bag, aisle three.”.
Elvis rolls in his grave.
Sure, there’s the classics. If you start up a round of “Oh Tannenbaum”, also known as the original, german, beefier and manlier version of “Oh Christmas Tree”, you best believe I’ll chime right in and finish the whole thing in my mother tongue. Anything sung in German sounds like a war song fit for the trenches. Singing in German probably puts hair on your chest. And there’s the real, true, hardcore traditional Christmas tunes. Oh Holy Night, Joy To The World. Old school. Legit. I can dig it. But it becomes really difficult to appreciate such melodious sonnets in honor of the birth of Christ when they’re delivered from the lips of Mariah Carey three octaves higher than dogs can hear. All I want for Christmas is you to never hear that song again. Or see that mind-numbingly awful video on my television. It’s tough to find reverence or appreciate the comforting words of Away in a Manger as delivered by the achey-breaky vocals of Randy Travis. Even Twisted Sister put out a Christmas album.
* Shudder *.
At this point in history, Christmas music has nothing to do with Christmas and everything to do with squeezing another crap album out of the buttcheeks of already awful artists. I need go no further than the ear-searing rendition of “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree” by Hanna Montanna (complete with choreographed Ginger Bread Dancers, a nice touch). Excellent lip synching, Miley Cyrus. Knock ‘em dead. Clay Aiken shot a Christmas album at light speed from his colon in 2004, simultaneously annoying everyone in the known universe.
But my hatred for Christmas music is unparalleled when I begin to describe the rage that wells up inside of me when I hear “The 12 Days of Christmas”. What douche bag wrote that song? 12 horrible repetitions of the SAME LINES. Some people are ballsy enough to try and play the entire thing in my presence. They promptly receive the unmentioned gift number 13 in the song: windmill kicks to the face until they cease breathing.
If the writer of this song were honest, the song’s lyrics would go: “On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Divorce Papers, for subjecting her to the cruel and unusual torture of sitting through no less than six minutes and thirty seconds of a melody that wasn’t good the first time.” Hell is a place where Miley Cyrus sings you the 12 days of Christmas…forever.
But lest you think me a scrooge yet again, let me point out the single most awesome Christmas album ever recorded. Years ago in what can only be described as a divinely appointed time, the musical gods of Boney M released “Boney M Christmas”. The soaring vocal harmonies of these shimmering Adonis’s cascades over your ears like a warm hug from your creepy Uncle you see once a year – only in a way that you welcome. The electronic drumbeats pulsating, the kettle drums, the cheap piano effects… it’s pure magic. My parents used to toss this on every Christmas, and it burrowed itself into my skull like an angelic worm. I have unbridled love for this album in my heart.
So if you, like myself, am tired of hearing Christmas Carols-Gone-Advertising-Jingles on your radio, hole up in your basement, buy a copy of Boney M Christmas, lay back, sip your eggnog, and enjoy the Season. But mark my words – if you venture out shopping, bring earplugs. You may get the urge to impale yourself on the 50% off sales racks if you don’t.
Here, dear reader, is my gift to you this season. I triple dare you to get that synth line out of your head. Enjoy:
Posted on December 7, 2008 - by Jon
SPIN 20 – December 2008
Here is the latest SPIN 20 courtesy of Spin Magazine from the December 2008 issue. For those who don’t know SPIN is an amazing music magazine that I have been supporting since 2001. If you love music, it’s definitely a magazine to look into. I highly recommend it and you should look into it!
Furthermore, if you want to read SPIN online please go to www.digital.spin.com
